I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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