If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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