I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
