you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
