she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
