is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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