you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
