all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
