I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
