Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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