I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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