he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
