i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
