hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
