just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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