everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
