People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
