i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
