just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
