I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
