Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
