The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
