Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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