4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
