My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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