i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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