@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
