Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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