Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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