It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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