is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
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