I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize