Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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