I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize