thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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