I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
