True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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