omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
