I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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