Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
