There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize