After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
