i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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