On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
dude i'm inner monologue high
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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