she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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