people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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