she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
