She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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