There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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