I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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