There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
