3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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