So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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