i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
