sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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