the new term for farting is butt boxing.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
