Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
In other news, I just burned my penis
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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