Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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