The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
