i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
