It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Randomize
