i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
