my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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