Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
