i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize