if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Just high enough for therapy.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
