great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
