I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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