He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
