I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
